sinnie: (but i wanted teh pony :()
* In just a few moments, Neil deGrasse Tyson will be on Art Bell's show and I'm full of squee and happy. Love!

* I'm feeling a tremendous amount of guilt about leaving the dogs for as long as we do each day. When we get home, Finnegan acts like she hasn't seen us in DAYS and Onslow runs around like he's been kept in shoebox the entire day. =( Tomorrow the man is getting some dog toys and treat dispensers for them -- hopefully they'll be happy with that and will survive until Thanksgiving break.

* Sweet Smitty <3 loves those soft peppermint balls that are ubiquitous around the holidays. His lower lip gets all quivery, his ears swivel forward, and he looks at me with big, melty chocolate eyes as if to say, "I LOVE YOU." Obvs, we are kindred spirits.

* Only a few more weeks until break and I am falling over from the anticipation. Or maybe it's exhaustion. Not sure. Anyway, we may have company here and although I'm all YAY COMPANY I'm also FUCKITALL, COMPANY.

* Today our cheerleaders were out doing their whatever with their shakey things and I snuck in, grabbed a set of shakey things, and...shook them. They giggled and were all freaked out and happy I was there. I got a round of applause. =D GO ME.

* The search is on for a tack box for the kid. So get this -- a real tack box will run about $1000 with all the bells and whistles and drawers and stuffs. WHAT the fuck? I have a line on a used one in Ventura for $500, but still. The problem is that we need one for STUFF...but I don't want to pay that much for one until she shows a LOT more. And is older. And earns it. We'll figure something out.

* The Sweet Smitty needs a stall sheet and blanket, a new halter that fits his skinny-assed head, peppermint balls, and a toy. The child needs another pair of breeches and that's about it. One time I jokingly said that kids were the most expensive things IN THE WORLD. Oh, I was wrong: It's horses. o.O

* My pretty Ruby car may not be mine for much longer. :( We're looking at Outbacks for weather/horse reasons....mostly weather reasons ATM. Because we're upside down on Ruby's lease, it's problematic and expensive to get into one, but we need to figure something out; this season promises to be very Donner Party. =( Fuck.

* I think I'm ready to go vegetarian again. This is happy news to me. HAPPY NEWS.

* Trader Joe's extra chocolate chips chocolate chip cookies are vegetarian. I'm just saying. =P

---------------------

;)

xo
sinnie: (Default)
hello, world. it's been a few weeks since my last entry and i'm blaming the blocking of LJ at work. i guess this is classified as a "social media" site and got blocked about a month ago -- either i caused it to get blocked or it's part of a "default block" in whatever our security package is.

there's a lot to record in my little virtual memory book, so let's get started.

It's long enough for a cut... )
sinnie: (Default)
A little bit of history:

From my junior year of high school until I was around 26 or so, there was this boy-then-man who was my obsession. There was so much off again, on again, soul-sucking, gothic romance, destroying, consuming, hateful, passionate US, that when it ended (his idea), I was certain that I would never survive.

And in a lot of ways, I didn't. I don't say that in a melodramatic way, I say it with utter sincerity: I died a million deaths (great and small) as I clawed my way to more solid ground.

We were unhealthy and destructive and hated each other, I think, as much as we needed each other. I have no real idea -- beyond the conjectures I've put together over the years -- of what it was in me that he needed, but I found in him something as beautiful and broken and desolately ugly as I.

When I still lived at home, he would call me, waking me up, and make me fall asleep with him on the phone. Other times, at more holy hours, he would call and not speak until I said our "code word". I would sneak out to be with him, more often than not just sitting and wanting him more, I thought, than he wanted me.

When we lived together, he I would watch him while he slept. He would wake me from deep sleep and take me hard, skin me with rough kisses and bites that left livid bruises for days.

Nothing about us made sense and we never were really happy with each other; but our misery, in its own beautiful way, was exquisite.

He called me a witch in the same way he called me other names, none of which were tender endearments. I convinced myself that his actions showed what his words couldn't, and looking back, I imagine I spun myself a web of lies so I wouldn't see the reality of what he and I were together: his words, just as much as his actions, were the truth of what his heart held.

But the witch thing....

I remember so distinctly how in the hollow of my chest I could feel the phone ring before it did. I'd be in another room and make my way to my room before I realized I was doing it, then I'd just sit on the bed and in a moment, he was there on the other end.

During one of our numerous painful off times (this time is the last time, he'd always say) I lit white candles and surrounded them with bits and pieces that I had collected on our meanderings, I burned creamy-papered notes scribbled with a plea for him to come home and touched with a kiss that was a lingering memory of moonlight and hot, humid exhales.

It worked.
It continued working.
Until the time, where he said this time is the last time, and I let it be.

I dreamed of him -- if not every night -- at least a few times a week for years. He plagued me, haunted me. My heart broke each and every day and NOTHING I did, no place I went seemed to be free of him. I wanted him back, but didn't if that makes any sense. But I knew, in that same hollow place where my heart used to be, that when I dreamt of him, he was dreaming of me. Whatever devilish wire that stitched us together wasn't completely gone.

And it never would be.

This week he was on my mind every day, almost obsessively so. A few days ago, out of nowhere, I had this remembered thought of taking him some of my mom's iced tea at his work. I remembered how much he enjoyed it. I remembered the slant of the shadows, the closed in tang of the shitty apartment he was painting, the brown carpet that I will forever equate with "rental". All week, I have had to work at shaking him from my thoughts and I've become increasingly annoyed because they just pop in with no real rhyme, no real reason.

Today my mom called.

"Guess who called me, drunk and wanting something?"

I didn't need to guess, did I?

"X called, wanting to ask me if he could come by and get a glass of sweet tea. He said he'd been missing it. I guess his wife left him."

I heard the smirk in her tone. Me? There was, I'm sure, a resigned look on my face.

Balanced with the end-of-it-all splintering of self was a continual outpouring of vicious thought, a laser-focus of gypsy curse that sometimes scared me...just not enough to stop.

His first wife? The one he left me for? (My friends and I called her Boobzilla and there were times, dear reader, I would have shanked a bitch had I encountered her.) They had two kids together. Word got to me each time she got pregnant, he was pissed. When they were born (girls), he was even more pissed. Boobzilla ended up getting hooked on meth and there were lawyers and messy divorces and she went after him in a very woman scorned way. I am glad I never encountered her with my shank.

There were drunk calls to my mom during that time, too.

New wife, I guess, was educated and refined and they had a baby -- a girl. That's really the majority of the information that made its way to me, because I've become good at deflecting and redirecting all mention of him.

While I don't know/don't care what happened, I am honest enough to admit that I want to spit on the floor when I think of him and am subtly pleased at how long my impression has lasted.

And here I am now. The Mister and daughter are gone for their annual Daddy/Seija Disneyland trip and I have been playing video games and reading and sort of cleaning and sort of thinking about work and periodically thinking how wonderful it would be if, as the coup de grĂ¢ce, I published a highly successful and lucrative memoir of...us...and he found out about it. How he'd find out, I'm not sure; not a reader, that boy.

Anyway.

Hi.

..............

Exhausted.

Sep. 8th, 2015 10:19 pm
sinnie: (Default)
I love you all. So many kind comments I must respond to and I swear I will. Till then, horse!
sinnie: (but i wanted teh pony :()
* Friday was my first "real" day back at work. We had an all-day inservice that had sign-ups start at 7:30 with the training starting at 8. I left the mountain at 5:45 and was there by 6:50, so I helped set up and had some of the nice little continental breakfast. Yeah, my timing was off. I'm going to try leaving at 6 tomorrow and see what happens. The inservice was about 10 minutes closer than my school is, so this will give me a better idea of what my actual travel time is. Hopefully.

What was most difficult about Friday was the sitting. I sat in the car for the drive, I sat for most of the training, I sat coming up -- my ass hurt!

* Things I didn't hear at the training: "Oh, you've been working out!" and "You've lost more weight!" LOL :(

To tell the truth, I think that living up here and working down there is actually going to facilitate both things. My plan is to go to the gym on Monday and Wednesday right after work. On Wednesday, when I'm finished, I'll head over to the barn and watch kid's lesson. On Saturdays, after her lesson, they'll drop me off at the gym and go to Trader Joe's and the grocery store, then get me on the way up the mountain.

As long as we do not dink with the schedule too much, I should be able to accomplish many things and not feel as if I have no "me" time.

* Speaking of horse lessons, if you are on my facepage, you may have watched the video of the newest Smitty Incident. It's a scary one; he's such an asshole sometimes. The good that's come out of this, if you can call it that, is that it sounds like we need to either get a new bit or figure 8 noseband to compensate for the fact she just doesn't have enough strength to slow him down when he needs it. Also, her skill level is amazing for someone who's been riding less than a year. The fact she stayed on as long as she did when he was doing what he was doing impressed everyone. It was the corner that got her.

* Kid is still enjoying the mountains and giving it major thumbs up. For the moment, I love it more than I can express (ask me again after the first inclement weather situation or after I've been doing the drive for three months -- the answer might be different). As soon as we're 100% done with the in-town house, I think my stress level will go down even more. FINGERS CROSSED.

~~~~

I wish I could say I've been writing and reading at an acceptable level, but I haven't. ;( Every day that I do the drive, my mind wanders through these amazing plots that would make great books, but they never find themselves on paper. I SIGH.

The Mister has some audiobooks for me of books I've already read (I do not EVER listen to audiobooks of things I've not read -- that's cheating), I have some Art Bell and Coast to Coast shows ready, and I have quite a few "We're Alive" zombie podcasts.

If you like radio dramas, the "We're Alive" podcast is amazing and I highly recommend it! It's free to download, too! =D If you do get it, just know I have a crush on Burt.

There's still a morning struggle with breakfast on my part, but I'm working on it. I don't like breakfast in the first place, and if it's too early, I actually get queasy. Because of the drive, I HAVE to have something in my system, but want to stay away from unbalanced breakfast stuff. The go-to always seems to be carb-heavy and I want to avoid that, so I've been trying to figure out what I can do that fits my needs. I was thinking about making little breakfast quiche muffin things (high protein!) or mini breakfast burrito wraps (in corn tortillas, they're so much more healthy). Oatmeal is also an option, but it seems to take too much time to actually eat. Regardless of which way I go, I have to be able to cook it the night before AND it can't have very much dairy in it at all.

Child still is getting car sick going down the mountain, so she's throwing up at least 1x a week. I worry about the enamel on her teeth ("I swear, I'm not bulimic, I just get car sick!") so am going to have the Mister talk to her dentist when they go early September.

She has a week off of school in September for the fair (there are so many 4-H kids up here that miss school due to the fair that they've just decided to close it!) and I'm thinking about taking time off that week and going to Disneyland for a nice big vacation trip for us. I shouldn't use my days off for that, but I'm truly considering it. I'm also thinking that one time this year we just fly there. Everyone but me would love that. o.O

Observation: Even up here, where there aren't that many people even during busy weekends, I don't like being around others. It makes the need for large, private property in town all the more necessary. The truth is I think we may have to stay up here more than one year so we have enough down to get the payment where I'm comfortable. Then again, when I start seeing how fat the savings account gets, I may be all "SCREW THE HOUSE, LET'S GET ANOTHER HORSE!"

Don't let me do that, OK?

OK.
sinnie: (computer)
* We were supposed to be gone by 10 a.m. I shake my head at myself is what I do, people. I shake my head.

* We made a HUGE discovery! If we go up by the fire station (on a tall hill, about 3 minutes away), we have cell reception! This discovery was made when we went there this morning to take Maddie, the wolf/shepherd mix, back to her fireman daddy. THIS IS A BIG DEAL. I don't know why it's such a big deal, but Mister was excited. I was more excited by seeing PRISONERS doing some clean up work there -- it was very weird. Of course, I didn't realize they were prisoners until we were leaving, and was waving and smiling at them.

* My plans for stuff and things is off a bit, due to the extra time up here. I was going to get boxes today and pack, but I have to do it tomorrow. Along with shopping. And sorting. And cleaning. Just writing that makes me not want to go even more. :) If I sit down when I get home, I won't do anything today, so I'm going to try to just throw on sunglasses and flipflops and do some errands. If I can knock the TO GO places off the TO DO list, I'll be very proud of myself.

* This weekend we are going to try to get new library cards for the new county we're in. We will not be giving up the library cards for the old county. I am hopeful this results in a bigger selection of e-books (which I have an aversion to, but I'm trying to save money AND we have no space, so e-books seem to be the answer). Also, we're going to be listening to a lot of audio books on the long-assed-drive (hitherto known as the LAD), so the bigger selection the better.

* I've been looking at tips, tricks, and recipes for make ahead/prep ahead/freeze meals. There seem to be a lot of good things out there, but a huge chunk of the easiest ones are sooooooooooooo unhealthy! It's taking a lot of time sorting through and picking things everyone around here will eat. I don't like tomato-based sauces for pasta that much (I don't like pasta that much, to be honest), kid doesn't like quinoa that much, we all are stepping away from meat, bread is the devil, etc etc etc. All of this presents a challenge, but one I'm up to -- I do not want to undo all the good we've done with our diet and, in fact, see this as an opportunity to do even better!

That said, I found a recipe for creamy chicken spaghetti casserole that sounded/looked really, really good...but with two cans of cream of * soup, it's not going to be something that happens very often. At all.

I don't like leftovers, I'm tired when I get home under the best of circumstances, so who knows what we'll end up with? o.O

* There are two GORGEOUS hunks of reclaimed wood downstairs. I shall be turning them into tables before summer gets here next year. They will be beautiful and I'll sell them for a million dollars and pay cash for my horse house. =D Ahem.

* I have hit a wall with writing. One recommendation that's come from all sorts of areas is "put it away, write on something else." I have to train my brain to do that, because right now, putting the WoLF away just isn't happening.

------------------

My computer, clothes, and some from-home food are coming up with us tomorrow. Next week I really am going to stay in town and pack pack pack pack. Srsly. I MEAN IT.

Ahem.

So even though school is starting soonish, something else is happening even sooner! PHANTOM at the end of July. Woot!

OK. I need to get stuff ready so we can head out before tomorrow. :)
sinnie: (Default)
My baby and my daughter:

I KID I KID....they're both my babies. :)

sinnie: (Default)
Happy New Year, my preciouses -- I hope you all had a wonderful and safe NYE, full of joy, good booze, great company, and/or lots of sleep. ;) Whatever floats your boat is OK by me.

Our evening was very low key and I didn't even make it to 11 this year. There was a local party down in the meadow, complete with a huge bonfire and a roasted whole pig, but I didn't have enough of the country in me to brave the cold. :( Husband went down with a pot of chili that I made and brought me back a plate (the burned pieces of the pig were delicious! The juicy parts? Ugh. I hate meat that tastes like meat). We did have some champagne and made some very nice toasts (the girls -- Seija and her mountain pal Ally had sparkling cider), and for me, that's all I needed to feel complete.

After Ally left and we had decided to let Seija stay up until midnight if she could make it, we all played video games and watched movies. It was so delightful! I got tired pretty early on and hit the sack at more or less a normal time; I think the days of me staying up until oh-dark-hundred on NYE are over which, to be honest, is utterly fine by me.

*

I was a little worried that we weren't going to make it up here. It snowed on Tuesday and on Wednesday morning when we headed up, there were a few places where the truck slipped and had trouble getting up the hill. We saw a truck that had had slid off into a ditch and that was very disconcerting to me, but Paul was comfortable driving up here. I figure that if a guy from northern WI felt it was safe, it was safe.

We are going to need a set of 17" tires and chains (the truck has 20" tires and you can't use chains on 20" tires with the Ram 1500) before we come back up -- I'm so not looking forward to the cost of that. Hopefully, we can pick up a set of rims/tires off Craigslist vs. having to buy new. FINGERS CROSSED.

*

We have today and tomorrow here at the cabin and then it's home on Sunday. I am hopeful that this coming week won't be too stressful -- my skin can't take it -- but I'm just going to approach things one day at a time. Really, that's all any of us can do.

I am going to try to go to the gym 3x this week and get back on the C25K program -- maybe doing that in the afternoon. I tend to get more done if I get the "difficult" stuff out of the way first, the stuff I don't have to do. Like writing, cleaning, exercise, etc. I try to give myself rewards for accomplishing the "difficult" stuff (e.g. reading for an uninterrupted, blissful hour or watching _Real Housewives of...._) and that sometimes helps. But sometimes it doesn't.

I'll admit to being nervous about "running" again -- I do not want to hurt my foot again. Paul said it's most likely that I laced too tightly, so I'll keep that in mind next week. Additionally, I think I need to warm up a LOT more; the problem is, that if I get up to do it at 5, I find myself cutting stretching/warm-up so that I don't have to rush to get ready for work.

I may give up "Supernatural" in the mornings and start listening to the zombie survival podcast "We're Alive" (if you haven't heard it, give it a go! It's free and really, really well done!). That way I don't have to pause between mascara coats to watch my Dean and Sammy. <3 Love the boys!

*

I'm going to work on tidying up, then write a bit, then read a bit. We're expecting a huge delivery of stuff up here today (it was supposed to be here on Wednesday, but due to the roads, it got delayed), including a new Kindle Fire. Now that I've figured out how to make Kindle Unlimited work for me, I'm OK with supplementing my book reading with fake e-books.

I've read 3 books up here so far this vacation and have a good little selection to choose from for the next few weeks. One "resolution" I have is to be more faithful with my Goodreads updates and reviews. I find myself needing information about books I've read and Goodreads tends to be the best location to keep all the book 411 I gather.

I may even start working on my summer reading list, which is truly one of my favorite parts of the end of term vacation. =D

*

I have also decided to severely limit my exposure to and on Facebook in 2015. There's something decidedly off-putting about the whole thing and I've given a lot of thought about what it says about our society (and ourselves) with how much we are compelled to put out for the world to view and how we make ourselves feel as we compare our lives to the lives -- or at least what parts are shared -- of others. It really all came to a head when a friend posted about 10 times in one day about *everything* they were doing. Plus, it's painful to realize that the things you find important in the world are things totally ignored by most people.

Life is too short to read bad books, drink bad wine, and worry about inconsequential nonsense. These are my words to live by.
sinnie: (computer)
+ My students were so sweet and wonderful yesterday, most telling me they will miss me and love me and all that junk. The ones who didn't say anything? Let it suffice to say their not missing me is fully and completely reciprocated.

+ After work, we all met up at a diner and ate all sorts of bad food that tasted far too good. Fried pickles! French fries! Fried fish! I was feeling all sorts of nasty for the rest of the day. Ugh. No more of that!

+ Last night was a bit of the cranky. I didn't have any books to read and couldn't download an e-book from the library due to fines. I WAS MADS. Today we went and took care of junk and I checked out reading material for the next five weeks. On tap:

_The Forgotten Garden_ by Kate Morton
_Cleopatra's Daughter_ by Michelle Moran
_Every Dead Thing_ by John Connolly
_ The Eight_ by Katherine Neville
_Haunt Me Still_ by Jennifer Lee Carrell

I'm excited to start the Carrell novel -- it's the sequel to _Interred with Their Bones_ and I oh-so loved that!

+ Today I'm doing to get some cleaning done, then I plan on spending the rest of the day with my glasses on and a book in my hand. Maybe I can get husband to make me some iced tea, too. HEAVEN!

+ Gratuitous kid pic:



She was dirty and found a super sweet shaft of sunlight to stand in. Cool.

+ Next week is full-on cleaning with a bit of super rest thrown in. Husband/kid are doing a Disney trip without me. While they're gone, I'm going to read, clean, go out with friends, swim, write, and decompress from the year. I so need it!

+ Week after next, kid starts summer science camps and it will be back to the gym for me. Woot and fun! =D

As an aside, I have to say that I harbor no love for obsession of any type. A happy life is a well-rounded life and a well-rounded life means you don't get stuck in a rut.

*nod*
sinnie: (Default)
I'm turning off IP tracking and turning on anonymous commenting. No comments will be published unless you say PUBLISH ME!

Here's your chance to tell me secrets, what you think, what your dreams are, what you wish. It's a safe space where you will have someone who reads each word that you say. Add an identifying pseudonym or something, and I'll respond to it in an open entry. No matter what. o.O

Spread the word and let the stars collide.

=D

Apr. 25th, 2013 10:27 am
sinnie: (Default)
Disneyland has been planned!

S/M/T -- DISNEYLAND HOTEL RESERVED, YO! -- CHARACTER BREAKFAST, WOO!

so so so so excited.
sinnie: (Default)
If you think I don't know how utterly blessed I am, you are utterly&totally incorrect.
sinnie: (Default)
so, how many of you that did "traditional" easter stuff today came home afterward feeling exhausted, tired, frazzled, etc.

be honest. ;)
sinnie: (Default)
I had hoped to get a lot more writing done over break, but it didn't happen. The putzing around, cleaning, shopping, and just recharging left me rather...unproductive. That's a good word right there: unproductive.

Yesterday I finally was able to sit at the typewriter (for reals -- a typewriter!) and crank out 90% of the short story that's been firmly lodged in my brain since I decided on the project I want to work on. I'm too close to it right now, it's a very rough rough draft, but it has some serious chops.

I do have a worry, and this is where you writing people are requested to come in and help me. I'm soliciting advice, which is something I rarely if ever do about my writing for a variety of reasons.

For this particular piece, I will need to rewrite a few portions of it to make sure the timeline and narrative remains true and believable. I will also need to add some meat to the story's bones. For me, editing of any type is difficult -- when ever I have something I've written in front of me and am trying to better it, I feel mired down and like my wheels are spinning. If you have some suggestions on how to get quality rewrite/additions in to a completed piece, I'd be very appreciative.

For what it's worth, I have found that if I walk away for awhile and come back to it, I see it with better eyes, but I've also lost the SPARK that I have when writing it. Maybe that's a good thing for proofreading, but I am not sure if it's so groovy when you're editing/adding. :(

So, halp? Chicken good!

...

Beloved is coming home today! =D I AM SO HAPPY!!!!! He probably won't get here until around midnight, but I'll be up waiting. He's going to be so flummoxed from tired that we'll just get a hug and squeeze, but that will be fine. He'll be home.

Tomorrow's his birthday, so we're going to do something nice for that, and Sunday I'm putting us all to work in the garden. We're going to try to get the beds ready for planting and then on Monday, we can put some tomato plants in. I NEED MY MATERS. With all his talk of fried green tomatoes, I need me some stat.

Monday will be the last day of vacation, then it's back to school. The next official break will be summer vacation (!!!), but I'm planning on taking two days in late April/early May for Dland. Must. Have. The. Mouse.

...

Today is a good, good day. :)
sinnie: (Default)
husband will be home tomorrow night! =D sooooooooooooo happy!
sinnie: (Default)
checking to see if this works...


Instagram
sinnie: (Default)
LJ seems to be having serious loading problems for me. The 3x love you long time post will have to wait for a bit. I did get TWO of them done before things crapped out terribly.
sinnie: (Default)
Reply to this post, and I'll tell you THREE reasons why I like you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love. (It will be later this evening before I get to the list!)
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