sinnie: (Default)
I can't even remember if I wrote this down here, but last week I started working with a trainer to move me toward becoming an equestrian. That made me smile. :) I'm so lucky to have found her, because she is "teaching" me in the way that seems right to me -- right now, it's not about being on the horse, it's about learning about the horse. I'm training with a lovely thoroughbred who is a grandson (great great? dunno!) of Seattle Slew -- he's a gentleman most of the time which is pretty nice. We are starting from the basics, and it's amazing how ignorant I am about horses. Seriously. The good part about that is that I'm learning so much, which for me is a joyous thing; I truly LOVE learning about things that interest me. I mean, it's goosebump good when I get to really learn and make connections and have ahHA moments. 

Today I did round pen work and it was a fuckall amount harder than it looks when people who know what they're doing do it. I'm also becoming much better and shoveling horse shit -- the goal is for me to scoop it all in one go. When that happens, we celebrate!

On the 15th, Smitty is moving from the far away barn to the barn up here, so I'll get to work with him and "practice" what I've learned. My bet is that eventually Smitty becomes my horse and kid gets a new one. We'll see. *nod*

There's still a whole bunch of shit going on with my mom's estate and vulture-like relatives who are making me fucking nuts. It will all sort itself out soon, but every day they are still in the picture is a day that's a thorn in my side. 

We have people quitting left and right at work and my department is down FOUR teachers for next year. Basically, the entire 7th grade team is gone. It's going to be an interesting year to say the least. I shudder. 

But that's next year. This year is almost over and I'm going to go into seclusion for the summer and try to focus on losing more weight so I look better in my breeches  AND focus on horse stuff. For me, that's better than anything.

Yes. I'm horse crazy. WHAT ABOUT IT??? :PPP


sinnie: (Default)
So, Dreamwidth's saving of drafts is not very bueno at all. 

Many Things #1
My mother passed away early March and I'm having a difficult time processing things. Or maybe I'm not. I find myself frequently doing mental checks to see if this is the extent of grief I'm capable of or, really, if this is even grief. To say that I had a complicated relationship with my parents is to engage in the most understated understatement ever. 

Adding drama to the mix are the batshit crazy hillbilly relatives that are living in her house. My aunt and her two kids were living with my mom for awhile before this happened and now seem to think that they can stay there rent free for as long as they possibly can. After every mental check on my grief, I ask myself what my mom would want me to do about them. She would want me to be kind and let them stay. I also ask myself what my father would want me to do about them -- and that answer is far more in-line with what I am inclined to do: explosive, reactionary, full of destructive motion that levels anyone not anchored to something solid. 

Even from the grave, they fuck me up.

Tomorrow or a year from now, I'll Many Things #2. 


A list:

- kid is still marvelous and bringing beauty and love to the world. our mantra is "make this world a better place" and she is growing into that mindset beautifully.
- horses are still a huge (YHUGE! ha. sorry.) part of our life. she will be doing her first jumping show in may. we're all excites!
- there are major changes happening at my school that make me want to run and hide. i'm not looking forward to next year and this year is not even over yet. 
- i would eat tofu every meal if i could get away with it. 

B list:

- i still do not have a goat or mini-horse.
- i want to get a baby goose and name him "ryan gosling" -- get it!?!
- if i could figure out how to get $$ for reading books and talking about the books with like-minded readers, i would. 



sinnie: (Default)
My wee family is home after four days in town -- we decided to just hotel most of the week because I had parent/teacher conferences and two of those days were from 4-7 p.m. No one wants to drive the winding roads when it's too night-dark then leave the mountain to drive the winding roads when it's too morning-dark. *nod*

The saga of house hunting continues and it's very annoying and frustrating and challenging and mind-boggling etc and so on. We have not had what I would call a calm year, by any stretch of the imagination and there have been serious stresses and surprises that have tested fortitude beyond belief.

Still, we rise.

During the evacuation, when we didn't know if our house would burn down or if it would stay standing, a friend said she couldn't believe how well I was handling everything. "Even though," she said, "I totally have faith and trust in God, I'd be going crazy."

I didn't know what to say. I find it odd that those most Christian are often the clearest poster children about why Christianity has a reputation for harboring the most hypocritical of us. That's not to say I don't have my own deeply rooted beliefs about What Is Out There -- because I do. But it comes not from a book or a Sunday morning sermon, it comes from this deep seated sense of connection to Something Bigger Than I That Is Somewhat Aware I Exist.

But that's neither here nor there. What matters is that I believe that these trials will totally be followed by some tribulations; that suffering is just part of life and is cyclical; that while I have free will, I do believe my path is predestined in sort of "choose your own adventure" way.

I also believe energy can be positive and negative and neutral, and right now, my space is charged with more negative energy than anything else. It's time for mindfulness, candles, and a house smudge. There may be some kosher salt thrown in for good measure.


Oreos are not helpful in creating good energy and mindfulness, but this is a weekend of pity parties and poor poor mes. Monday I chase my Zen with dedication and zeal.

I'll be a Zen Zealot, yo. Namaste, motherfucker.

That last part is probably counterproductive, isn't it?

sinnie: (Default)
there are times i take steps back from my reality and look upon the world i exist in as nothing more than a narrative composed of many twists and turns in the plot line. seeing things in this way often keeps me from taking bitchslaps from the universe too personally.

i'm not saying it's healthy, but it's how i work with things.


we still are without permanent home. there have been SO many hurdles and surprises, shocks and starts, and long moments of wait and sees that i have just decided to schedule spurts of time each day where i bemoan my sad little lot in life and insist that we will NEVER get a house. boo hoo. sob sob. cry cry.

on top of the house hunt from hell, we had to deal with a relative stealing over 10K from my mother's checking account and the subsequent realization that my mom is getting ancient in years. how exciting, huh? the day after that bank + sheriff adventure (which husband did most of), we were hit with a lovely little HI, YOU OWE 15K MORE IN STATE TAXES, YOU PAY NOW OK? love note from the state of california tax franchise mafia board.

my friend e asked who i pissed off that cursed us, and i laughed. this crap is not externally based, it's all me....i create my own drama one way or another. the good news is that, as always, we have a plan and an escape route. the bad news is i am pissed about giving don corleone of california any more of my money; the fuckers get enough as it is.

luckily, we have an accountant that's great and that we're finally willing to let do more stuff than the taxes. bless his heart, he's inheriting a hot mess.

so, yeah. busy fun time!


my students this year are absolutely positively amazing and i really do love them all. i'm really starting to change things up a bit in the way i do things and even though it means i work harder, it means THEY work harder, too. at first, they were like WTF, WOMAN? and then things started morphing into these instances where i saw them take serious ass pride in what they are doing.

i am really proud of them and even prouder of myself.


all other things are just things at the moment because i'm so consumed with the desire to just step away from the world so i can hold myself together. i have to wonder how long scotch tape and elmer's glue will stay the ultimate explosion.


monday marks a new beginning -- of sorts -- for me. more on that later. and this time i mean it.


May. 22nd, 2016 11:58 am
sinnie: (Default)
This was my morning msg to my ex work-wife. :) (And yes, that really is my voice. :)

sinnie: (but i wanted teh pony :()
the mister is out whacking the weeds with a vengeance while i am having a 2nd cup of coffee and fiddlefarting around. i have cleaned off the table in my tiny cabin in the woods, and i've also moved other things around and about. to be honest, not much is being accomplished, but at least i'm moving. moving is good, right?

the knee is not better. it may be a bit worse, but that may also be just me being me. on monday, i'll make an appointment with the ortho guy (along with an appointment for the dermatologist and dentist) and we'll see how many appointments i keep and how many i chicken out of. i really hate the doctor....but i hate whining more, so yeah.

it seems like everyone is either getting or planning to get chickens and i am so many shades of jealous it is not funny. did you know they make swings for chickens? no? well, now you do:

the fact that there are swings make me even more jealous. I AM GREEN WITH CHICKEN ENVY!

(that sounds, somewhat, like a childhood disease, no?)


i've been reading up on passive income ideas and i've decided that this summer is my summer to become passively rich! i already have so much good stuff that i could modify and put up on teachers-pay-teachers that it would be silly NOT to. i am going to corner the market on weird kindle niche genres! i will make come up with a digital design and sell on etsy! (ok, maybe not that last one....feh)

kid's been wanting a saddle charm, so we've talked about doing that. who knows, i may actually make money. if i do, i swear, i shall be responsible with my money and not buy shiny things. SWEAR. (ahem) i've actually been looking at handmade jewelry and stuff and am amazed at how bad some of it is and, conversely, how amazing some of it is. (will not buy will not buy will not buy)


i accidentally left grading at school, so have nothing to do this weekend. =D OOOPS. while child and mister got their hairs did yesterday, i went to a little jewish deli type place and camped out, wrote, and ate a ruben. yum! a total bonus was the two twenty-something charming young men helping me; their banter and casual flirting was delightful.

forget wearing purple when i'm old, i'm going to just chat with counterboys at jewish delis. :)



1. my friends' home was broken into yesterday. :(
2. to make her feel better, we talked about her getting a lion, because "no one fucks with a lion."
3. if you've never watched "grandma's boy" -- you'll never know why that's funny. =D
4. i'm having trouble making a good cup of coffee. sheesh.
5. my toenails are cotton candy pink and my fingernails are cotton candy blue. IT WASN'T EVEN AN ON PURPOSE MATCHY MATCHY.


there are plants that need to go into the ground and planters, but it's fricken' cold, yo. the mountains, they are the chilly at times. we're supposed to get some rain today, but so far, nothin'. mountain thunderstorms are the VERY best thing in the world and soothe my soul.

ok. i'm going to give another go at a cup of coffee, vacuum, then read/write a bit.

is anyone else doing campnano in june? if so, want to set up campsites together and cheer each other on? =D


May. 3rd, 2016 06:48 pm
sinnie: (Default)
I bet you a dollar to a donut that I know of one very specific Indiana nut job that voted for Trump. I also bet you a dollar to another donut that she won't fess up to it. 
sinnie: (Default)
I can't tell if I really enjoyed January or am glad that it's gone. Work continues to make me sort of stabby, but in a vague, sort of French shrug way. The kid has spent the last week sicker than she's been in awhile -- last week we alternated days home with her, so I missed work T and Th. Yesterday was a huge dump of snow and we couldn't get out this morning, so I had to call in again. I have a bad feeling my VP is going to give me looks tomorrow. :( I will have to hide behind the tall kids until I make it to my classroom...maybe he won't notice me.

Anyway, here's a photo of the snow and trees and the mountain and junk:

Notice the chupacabra tracks. *nod*

To put the snow in context -- as much as possible -- here's the truck all blankety and white:

The thing sticking up is, in case you do not know, the windshield wiper. I learned this trick from Neighbor Steve the Mountain Man. It's a good trick.

I know for many people, this isn't that much snow inches wise. But let me put my drive in perspective: we live on top of a mountain, there is no plowing through the night or early morning, there are no f'in guardrails on the sides of my mountain, and driving down about 2300 feet in less than two miles on a very winding two lane road is far different than a straight-shot road to Starbucks.

Speaking of Starbucks, my Gold Card status may be stripped from me if I don't get some stars this month. :( A*holes.


Earlier this evening my ear started hurting, my throat felt tight, I kept sneezing, and I was afraid I contracted whatever the child has (the plague or Dengue fever or something). I made myself some of the magic tonic (ginger root, lemon, honey) and added a tsp of coconut oil to the mix. You're familiar with coconut oil, right? According to everyone, it is magic and gets rid of dry skin and fine lines, makes your teeth white, keeps your cuticles soft, cures cancer, reduces inflammation, ups your sex drive, gives you seven extra hours in a day, and speeds up the metabolism. ALL WITHOUT EVEN TAKING IT OUT OF THE CONTAINER. Add it to a meal or beauty regiment and you'll live forever.

So, anyway, it's sort of weird drinking something that's the hippie version of hot tea and seeing little blobules of fat floating on the top. And, if I am honest, it tastes really good. o.O IT IS SORT OF LIKE A PINA COLADA OR SOMETHING.

I need a little colorful paper umbrella for my mug. *nod*


I haven't seen Smitty in almost a week and a half. In horse years, that's probably like...forever. I'm not sure if we'll get there this week, but when we finally get back, kid starts a month of intense private training. Her confidence has floundered a bit from falling from such a great height "so many times". :( The trainers agreed 3 private lessons a week would be a good thing. Yay.

We talk about what we'll do when she outgrows Smitty or he finally turns into a*hole horse from Hell and no one wants to ride him. He really is a jerk sometimes, but we love him. And when he rides right, he's absolutely stunning -- a blue ribbon winner for sure. He just never wants to ride right with her, because she's not strong enough and he takes advantage of her. I have a feeling that will end soon.

But yeah, when she moves on, he'll be mine. I will feed him treats and take him for walks and ride him like the pro I imagine myself to be. =D


Wednesday I have a training so will be out of class. Three days next week? Out of class. :( My poor students are going to be so derpy by the end of the year, bless their little hearts.


OK. I need to do the nighttime ablutions and then, maybe, watch X-Files #2. Is anyone else watching it??????

Fox Mulder was my 90s Cumberbatch. :)
sinnie: (Default)
Home again today with the child. Poor thing. :(

I was cooking her breakfast this morning and somehow, some way, I tweaked my back (right lat) and it now hurts like a motherfucker. No other way to say it: motherfucker.

Some pain I'm able to work my way through without being a raging GRRRRRR...back hurts are not one of them. So I'm crabby and short tempered, which is not the way to be when there's a sick child. :( It's all under control, and I took some pain meds (that are borderline expired...yeah, I don't go to the doctor that often), and am stretching frequently and with much grimace, so I should be ok in a few hours. Until then...GRRRRRR...but all on the inside.

The Mister is working from home today, so he's here to help if there are any emergencies or other such nonsense. Thank goodness.

I need to get this fixed ASAP TODAY because tomorrow is a gym day. First one in forever. :( Moving an hour+ away from town has created a situation where I've been forced to give up a few things. We don't eat out nearly as often (we're honestly down to about 1x per week, if that...the money we have saved has been astronomical), I don't get bookstore visits on the weekend (more money saved, even though I tend to binge buy when we DO go), and the gym got nixxed in favor of the barn.

I seem to have hit a plateau with dropping the pounds, so it's time to get back to the weights. Meh. The good news is I lost all I gained in my few months of not paying attention plus some. :) Go me! With all that said, I am putting this ON PAPER(ish): I will be going to the gym M/W/F for the next four weeks. I'll readjust then. *nod* I'll miss the barn 1x a week and Mister will have to do the stuff I usually do on Mondays/Fridays (quick errands, grocery store), but it should be OK.

The other two nights, I vow to do stretchy crap with my free weights at home. That always makes me feel better. Always.


I put out a call for people interested in a virtual writing group and got four bites. One fish I may have to toss back in the water. It's not that I don't love him, adore him, admire his work, appreciate his talent, but he's got a frenetic personality that stirs me up. I don't need help getting stirred up -- I've got that covered; I need help settling down into the task of writing. I need a community of writers I respect. I need an Algonquin. *nod*


(An Hour Later)

My back is still being a dumbshit. Couch sitting = NOT GOOD. Office chair = OK FOR SHORT PERIODS OF TIME. Bed = NICE (but getting up is a bitch).


I'm still going to the gym tomorrow because I WILL NOT LET PAIN WIN.

(Unless it's a paper cut pain; that is debilitating.)


I started reading _Armada_, the 2nd book by the dude who wrote _Ready Player One_. He is missing the mark all over the place on this one, which is sad. It's not bad enough to not finish, but unlike RPO, it's not good enough to read twice.


There's a show on one of the Dish channels called "That Old Barn" or "I Love Old Barns" or something like that. I stumbled upon it last night and about shit rainbows all over myself -- "THIS IS A THING????" "THIS IS REAL?????"

I spent 30 minutes watching a show about barns, it's true. At one point, I found out that there is a 2 day barn tour in Kansas. Repeat the "THIS IS A THING????" and "THIS IS REAL????" disbelief/happiness.

After the show I was adamant about us sticking to our guns and finding a place with a barn and enough land for me to have my goats and chickens.


It might even be affordable if the consulting thing Mister is being approached about pans out. While I'm skeptical about the amount of money that is being said could happen, a part of me -- the seriously optimistic side -- is already counting her chickens. The thing is, for what he does and what he knows, the total is not just possible, it's probable. Fixing the Matrix (which is what he does) requires a very specialized and rare individual. The problem with consulting is that he's just not a salesman, but now he's got a salesman who can find clients. Or who has found clients, I should say.

It's all convoluted and nothing is set in stone, but I'll say this much: it's the possibility for an amazing opportunity. Really, that's all anyone could ask for, you know?


The other night I finished "American Horror Story: Hotel" and I think it is the best out of the bunch except for MAYBE the first one. Lady Gaga was phenomenal and I LOVED the entire cast. There was heart to this incarnation of the story that was lacking in the 2nd, 3rd and 4th, an honest sense of sentiment that was touching, poignant, beautiful. Also, the humor was subtle and crisp -- a juicy tart apple that was surprisingly delicious. Mostly, though, it didn't have the pain porn feel that 3 and 4 seemed to continually masturbate to, which was a welcome change.

This summer I think I'll rewatch the first go and Hotel and enjoy them again. Yeah. That good. :)


The sun is out in full force today. Even if I wanted to take a nap, it would be difficult since the room where we sleep is the old sun room and, well, it's sunny in there. >.< I may have Mister tack up a few blankets for the day and at least stretch out. Maybe I'll doze a bit and dream of old barns and Benedict Cumberbatch and goats. *nod* I can dig that.

sinnie: (cotton candy kitty)
[Diving In]

I'm home with the child today; she's out of school for most of the week due to a throat infection and bronchitis. Not medicating every little thing has helped in this case -- yesterday, she went to the doctor and got two prescriptions; because her little body is so unused to drugs, these were effective almost immediately. Nice.

So, today she's going to lounge and rest and other such stuff. I will lounge and rest and other such stuff with her, along with cleaning a bit. We're in a state of chaos around here and it's beginning to affect my emotional wellbeing. Faced with the choice between improving emotional wellbeing and doing nothing, I'm choosing to make things better for myself. Amazing how that works.

The house nonsense is still in full swing, but I am confident that there's a reason for delay. I tend to be impulsive and all the drama associated with buying a house is forcing me to slow down and THINK about things. That's never a bad thing, and no matter how much I say "OMG THERE WILL NEVER BE A GOOD HOUSE TO BUY AGAIN", I know that not to be true. The truth is, we have a hot mess of requirements and wants...and want to pay minimal for all of them. :) Welcome to the mindset of every buyer, right? =P

I'm actually really thankful that the foreclosure we saw/wanted didn't happen. After stepping away from it for a few weeks, I see that while the house itself was almost perfect, the imperfections were big. Also, the land wasn't just quite right. Finding the right house on the right land is going to take some time. Some long time. --sad--

There's also the fact that it's SMART to get rid of the cabin after we buy. This is causing me no small measure of cranky, since I absolutely love it up here and hate the idea of not having the up here as a Christmas/Summer vacation spot. Maybe we'll get one more year up here -- I hope so. I would also like to have this as a writer's retreat for myself for when I, you know, actually start writing again.

Life is just getting in the way. (excuses, excuses, excuses)


I have a GATE conference in Palm Springs in about a month that I'm looking forward to. Next year I should have two GATE classes, two core classes, and one elective. I'll be back to three preps. :( I'm going to ask if I can opt out of the elective for a few years, but that will mean I need to talk to one of the other 7th grade ELA people about doing one. We'll see, we'll see.


I didn't write about the passing of Bowie, because in my life, Bowie comes with baggage. I can't write about him without writing about the years of my life where his music was inexorably linked to pain and beauty, love and explosive emotion. Even now, hearing his music transports me to right then, right there and I can visualize, with crystalline clarity, pale blue walls and rumpled sheets and windows spray painted black; I can feel the swell of fear and desire that came when I welcomed my own personal monster into my heart.

That shit is intense: no grown-ass responsible woman should have to feel that sort of emotion. It's one of the perks of getting older.


In other news, I got an anonymous little message from someone who needed to remind me that I'm a bitch and treat people bad(ly). I have a pretty good idea of who it was and -- if you have been around here long enough -- you probably have an idea, too, seeing how anonymous messages seem to be a staple in her life. I'll admit that for a sliver of a moment my feelings got hurt, then I just considered the batshit crazy source and felt sympathy for her. Serious, total sympathy.

Even if it wasn't her (and I'd bet the farm it was), there needs to be that feeling of :( for whomever DID write it, you know? The level of sour inside a person to not be able to say these things to someone all upfront and open must be a daily chafe on the soul.

Sadly, I wish this would have caused more of a ripple in my pond; I'm getting sort of in a rut. :(
sinnie: (trailer)
just so we're clear on things, i'll be winning the powerball lottery with my at-work lottery syndicate on wednesday. =D


the first week back to school was not a full week; two days were spent "huddled" (read: we had a fire to warm ourselves in front of after we played in the snow) in the cabin due to snow and ice. most likely we could have made it down on wednesday, but thursday definitely was a smart day to stay home.

here we have branches with snow and birds:

i found myself getting stir crazy a bit. after two weeks off with the family in a small house, i was looking forward to life being spread out over a campus, a city. those two extra days made me want to hide somewhere and just be alone. i mentioned to myself at one point that no matter how much i love my people, i'm so hypersensitive to noise when i'm stressed/anxious that their mere presence caused me a bit of grrrrrr(!). i could hear them breathing, the flow of the blood through their veins, their thoughts.

we're gonna need a bigger house. *nod*


i don't adult very well. the plan was to stay here and save up enough for like a MILLION PERCENT down payment on new house. after new house was purchased, we were going to put cabin on the market, because why would we keep a cabin in the woods when we have a house in the woods? well, now i'm looking for ways to buy NOW even though we don't have a MILLION PERCENT down payment saved and -- and here's the final proof i fail at adult -- i want to keep the cabin.

we should be getting news this week if we can qualify for a program that would allow us to start for reals hopefully, we do, because i'm sort of over the car-sick ride down the mountain. if not, i just have to suck it up and play frugal grown-up for a few more months. bleh bleh bleh.

in an effort to save more money, today when the kid and i went on, we only spent $24 on flavored lip balm/gloss vs. the $92 that was totaled for the original order. and i signed up for a coupon for 10% off. see? we practiced austerity by getting rid of flavors we weren't that interested in. that said, i'm regretting not getting the banana flavor. :( and, so you know, the ONLY flavors available at target and other drugstores are strawberry, grape, and soda flavors. ick.

i wonder how sticky kid's lips are going to be the first week she gets all these flavors? i kiboshed the wand and roll-on glosses for the simple fact that one must be a certain age to manage the fine art of wand and roll-on gloss application. if you don't have the necessary skills, you over-apply and run the risk of getting your lips stuck together. then, if you have a cold/stuffy nose, YOU COULD SUFFOCATE.

i love my daughter too much for that.

speaking of daughter....herself, looking cutes and white-girl pink:

i really do love it up here in the sequoias.


i've been reading a LOT over the past few weeks. not all of it is what i'd call great literature (ok, some of it might not even qualify for mediocre literature), but it's been nice not worrying about the nutritional value of the words that i'm consuming. i may be giving up empty calories that go in my mouth, but by damn god, i can still binge on junk food for my brain.

kid's been reading the canterwood crest series (horses! girls! lipgloss!) and i decided to read it with her, just so i could keep an eye on content and talk about any "mature themes" that might be in there. [[aside: i believe it's a parents' job to guide and teach children; while i am a true believer that people should be able to read anything they want and no book should ever be banned, it's the job of the mature people in the mix to help navigate any weird in books. and there is weird in books.]] this series of books has no "mature themes" beyond liking boys (but never as much as liking horses or letting them get in the way of grades), so got to talk about that a bit. way fun. ha. so far we've read the first four and the beloved mister did some internet magic and ordered us the remaining books in the series (fourteen of them!) for way less than retail.

plus, they're like new which is good, since kid and i DO NOT do used books with happy hearts. really, i wish we could get over that. i do try, i promise....but there's a smell to books that have been held by many hands that i can't stomach. plus, when you buy books, you support the pockets of your favorite authors, and that's something i can get behind.

i hang my head in shame.

i've also read brooklyn (purchased at a brick and mortar your local book seller, yo!). i enjoyed it quite a bit -- toibin is a very talented writer and wonderful storyteller (these things don't necessarily go hand in hand, sadly). the original purchase of the book came before i even knew it was a movie and i'm looking forward to watching it -- mostly to see if i like the main character more than i do in the book.

my most recent book read was golden son (e-book checked out from the library! support your local library, yo!). there was trouble when i started, because it took me awhile to remember what happened in red rising, but it mostly came back within 30 pages. overall? enjoyed it, the editing was sharp and tight, good writing, but it is limited by its very genre.

right now i'm searching for the next read and finding my choices lacking. this scarcity of reading material is causing me to sigh a lot while i walk around staring at the small bookshelf that lives here with us.


tonight i'm making chicken in creamy mushroom sauce (recipe from a lj friend!). it looks tasty! kid and i love the mushrooms, poor mister doesn't, but he never complains, bless his heart. <3

the upcoming week is full of stuff. horse 3x, award banquet, shopping, teaching, etc etc etc. hopefully, house shopping will get added to that list. FINGERS CROSSED!

ok. i really should have some coffee and get kid set up with make up classwork. and so i shall.
sinnie: (Default)
I was really tired last night bodywise, but brainwise, I had no chance. What kept me awake? You name it, I probably thought about it.

There were four things in particular that kept me up.

1. The naming of the main character in my haunting WoLF. She started out as V (long story, short: Pynchon) until her real name came to me and, by damned shit, it's never arrived. Many hours were spent last night (or at least what felt like many hours) going through a mental baby-name-book list of names. WITH NO RESULTS.

2. The overall plot of the haunting WoLF. I'll admit I like what's happening in the Big Picture way, but the truth is, I was driving the bus when SHE needed to drive the bus. The good news is that SHE OF NO NAME made her wishes known. So, she's killing her father and going on an Algonquin adventure. Will she get there? Will the guilt drive her mad? Will moral ambiguity rule the day? *throws hands up in the air* Don't ask me, I don't even know her name.

3. A PLAN that is still awesome even though I'm drinking coffee and sitting up. I bought two Moleskin journals and I'm going to take one, write a journal entry/letter thing and send it to my friend M with only the first rule recorded: send it back with a responding journal entry/letter thing within two weeks or send it back and say I'm not doing this. Seriously, this will be the stuff of literary legends at some point in time.

4. My stupid ignorant Trump supporting shoulder. It was so hard getting comfortable and when I finally dozed off, I guess my arm was in the way wrong space. At 4 a.m. I woke right the fuck up in WTF OUCH. That said, waking right the fuck up let me hold on to what I was dreaming at that exact moment and I thought to myself that my dreams were a confetti of images swirling around in a cosmic snow globe. One thing that stands out is an image of a Breyer "project" horse from the 2016 Pony Club. It comes to you a chalky white color and you go in and paint it. The chalky white version is what was in my dream.

Which reminds me of a glittery fragment of a dream from at least a decade ago; it's stayed with me this long. First, some backstory: if you've ever read Gibson's _Neuromancer_, you may remember the talking head --

The Finn was a fence, a trafficker in stolen goods, primarily in software. In the course of his business, he sometimes came into contact with other fences, some of whom dealt in the more traditional articles of the trade. In precious metals, stamps, rare coins, gems, jewelry, furs, and paintings and other works of art. The story he told Case and Molly began with another man's story, a man he called Smith. Smith was also a fence, but in balmier seasons he surfaced as an art dealer. He was the first person the Finn had known who'd "gone silicon"--the phrase had an old-fashioned ring for Case--and the microsofts he purchased were art history programs and tables of gallery sales. With half a dozen chips in his new socket, Smith's knowledge of the art business was formidable, at least by the standards of his colleagues. But Smith had come to the Finn with a request for help, a fraternal request, one businessman to another. He wanted a go-to on the Tessier-Ashpool clan, he said, and it had to be executed in a way that would guarantee the impossibility of the subject ever tracing the inquiry to its source. It might be possible, the Finn had opined, but an explanation was definitely required. "It smelled," the Finn said to Case, "smelled of money. And Smith was being very careful. Almost too careful." Smith, it developed, had had a supplier known as Jimmy. Jimmy was a burglar and other things as well, and just back from a year in high orbit, having carried certain things back down the gravity well. The most unusual thing Jimmy had managed to score on his swing through the archipelago was a head, an intricately worked bust, cloisonne over platinum, studded with seedpearls and lapis. Smith, sighing, had put down his pocket microscope and advised Jimmy to melt the thing down. It was contemporary, not an antique, and had no value to the collector. Jimmy laughed. The thing was a computer terminal, he said. It could talk. And not in a synth-voice, but with a beautiful arrangement of gears and miniature organ pipes. It was a baroque thing for anyone to have constructed, a perverse thing, because synth-voice chips cost next to nothing. It was a curiosity. Smith jacked the head into his computer and listened as the melodious, inhuman voice piped the figures of last year's tax return. Smith' s clientele included a Tokyo billionaire whose passion for clockwork automata approached fetishism. Smith shrugged, showing Jimmy his upturned palms in a gesture old as pawn shops. He could try, he said, but he doubted he could get much for it.

My dreamfrag was of me going into a bank (one from when I was a child -- I can remember going in with my mother, looking at the vast vault doors, the smell of wood) and instead of going to a teller, I went up to a jeweled and glittering mechanical horse head. There's more I remember, but it's the image of that horse head, so together and apart with the _Neuromancer_ head, that has stayed unchanging and perfect all these years.


Good morning.
sinnie: (Default)
This morning the mister wished me a "Merry Sickmas" and said I always get sick during break. I don't think that's true, but I went back in the archives and sure as shit, I was sick last year and the year before. His theory is that I hold on hold on hold on and then, when given 2 weeks off, my body says "screw it" and falls into the blehs.

Whatever; this year I have the ginger tonic and it's helping more than I thought possible. Srsly.

The good news is that I'm not super sick, just sort of sick. I can manage, yo. I can manage.


I watched the Liberaci thing on Amazon w/Matt Damon. I will say this: Rob Lowe's performance stole the whole movie. *squint* <3 <3 <3


We have a webcam pointed to the squirrel feeders and caught the flying squirrel on camera last night. SO CUTE!


I should be able to clean a bit before the family gets back. There's a weather advisory that's kicking in at 4 today until tomorrow at 5 -- so we're going to be socked in good. :)


What's your favorite "remedy" for feeling the sicklies? This is somewhat like a cold, but not quite. It's a mutation. :(
sinnie: (Default)
i might be a little sick, i might not be; at this point, i'm not sure. for the past few days i've had a sore throat, but only one one side; i've felt a little stuffy, but not very much; i've been inclined to sleep long periods of the day away and have not had trouble sleeping at night. if i AM sick, it doesn't seem terrible and i might survive. i'm not NOT sick, then this is my reaction to almost being exhausted. maybe.


we've had snow and rain and other good weather over the past few days. i've slipped into the mindset of "why drive in it when you don't have to" and we skipped horse lesson yesterday and today (today was for a different reason). tomorrow kid will have her private lesson and then we'll have a week off, 2x next week, then back to 3x a week early january.

i say the drive isn't killing me and that i don't hate it, but it's taking a toll. :( it was much better when the days were longer, but these short days mean we drive for an hour in the dark in the morning and get home when it's evening dark. i feel like i never see the sun. i'd be OK if no one else saw the sun, but everyone else gets least that's what i think in my head. truly, i can do this as long as i need to -- i just hope we don't need to TOO much longer.

we found a house we really like in the place we really want to live. it's even about 30K lower than what we wanted to pay -- the bad part is there is no barn, no stalls, no fenced pasture. the good part is there's a lot of room for a barn, stalls, and fenced pasture. the kitchen and bathroom counters need to be replaced (i detest tile...grout is the devil), but what's there is clean and newer and usable. we might go look at it next week. we might not.


i feel like a terrible mother this year; overt displays of holiday cheer are, at the best, minimal and, at the worst, nonexistent. the little rolls along with nary a blink; to her, all is well. because of room, we don't even have a real christmas tree -- but like i point out to myself and others, we have a hundred christmas trees right outside our door. WITH SNOW AND ALL.

being so far away from "civilization" has made me look at what's important and not important in a completely unique way. here, you realize that the important stuff is what will make you go out of your way to do or get. the unimportant junk slides by and out of sight. horses? important. squirrel food? important. cocktail party? not so much. plus, having such a small space this year really focuses your attention on what you need and what you want and the balance between the two.

the one thing i'm having a hard time dealing with is the lack of paper books. i can't take e-books any longer! i need paper and page turning and the whisper of a book when you close it. even the child has said paper books are better. OF COURSE THEY ARE.

speaking of her reading habits, she is just about finished with her first "real" book -- "pegasus: the flame of olympus". well, it's not really her first "real" book. she's read all of the wimpy kids and black beauty. but this is her first foray into long, non-illustrated, modern lit. plus, pegasus. horse-crazy girls like pegasus, you know. *nod*


i found a 13 year old haflinger that's been trained for english, dressage (ugh), and trail. i tried to get mister to buy it for us now....we could board it until we get a new house. he said no. :( want to see a haflinger AKA "fabio horse"? OK!

pretty, aren't they?

today i need to order my 2016 planner and i may treat myself to a lime green fountain pen that is calling me. i'll need green ink, for sure. ;)


ok. i truly need to clean house. mister went in to work today and i'd like to have things clean when he gets here so he can help mess them up. :) xo
sinnie: (stubby finnish horse)
Tomorrow morning, dark and ungodly, I will be getting up for the first day back at work in like...a million years. The family will be heading to Dland w/o me for this trip, and I'll be alone and bear bait for a few days.

A teacher in my department was out the week before vacation and will be out this coming week due to "personal issues". Apparently, she was given a DUI in September and in October, there was supposedly a hit-and-run incidence outside school that she was involved in. Add to that, her husband is a right douchebag and who knows what's going on there.

Anyway, so it's fallen on me, Department Head Extraordinaire(tm), to do her lesson plans, make her copies, and do all the other BS we have to do in a classroom that's totally unrelated to teaching. Bah. I am getting paid extra duty pay for the week before Thanksgiving and this coming week: the two weeks will add up to about $300 after taxes, so I can sock that aside toward the house. =D Or the horse for the new house.


My PLAN, before vacation really got started, was to spend the week getting things ready. I did very little of it. And even though I'm staying home and not doing Dland this week, I still should have done -something- work related. Like plan. Or grade papers. Or SOMETHING.

Now, here I sit on a sunny Sunday, STILL going "meh, I don't have that much to do" and I actually don't, but come on -- if I can't get motivated to get my brain going, what's this week going to be like?


This morning the littlest and I took the dogs on a walk. We got up the hill and two dogs ran out. Long story short, they didn't listen to their owner, Onslow didn't listen to me, and there was snarling and fear and barking and other posturing and nonsense. Finnegan stayed out of it, more or less, but she really gets made when other dogs sniff her butt.

There's a lady up here with a German Shepherd named Xena and that dog is so well behaved it isn't funny. Granted, Xena has been through training and she's older than Onslow, but I do long for a dog that can be off leash, ignore other dogs, and just walk about being happy. Technically, I guess I have that in Finnegan....maybe I long for TWO dogs that are so well behaved it's not funny. *nod*

What pisses me off most, is that 90% of the time, he listens really well. 5% of the time, he becomes hard of hearing and it takes a few goes to get him to do what I want. Then there's that last 5%, where he becomes stone cold deaf and forgets I exist.

A guy up here that rescues dogs has a shock collar for one of his pups. He said he rarely uses it on the dog, but there are times that he needs something to get the dog's attention when it decides to do what it wants and what it wants is to not listen. I hesitate to do that, though: what if it really hurts? Onslow gets butt hurt over all sorts of things, I don't want to add to it. Then again, I'd rather he be butt hurt than get in fights with dogs or, OH SWEET MARY NO, skunks.

Maybe I'll research it. Or maybe I'll just deal with a deaf dog 5% of the time.


We are out of a lot of food stuffs and I have a pretty long shopping list for tomorrow. I was going to hit the gym after work, but I'm going to hit the store instead. Tuesday will be gym day. *nod*

I made a list of snacks for the week and tried to create a schedule of snacky times during the day. My problem is that I am in class most of the day, and I don't like to eat in front of the kids. It just feels weird. At this point, screw 'em though -- I need to be THIS by the horse clothes Black Friday online sales next year:

I swear, if I looked that good in those pants, I'd wear full-on horse outfit where ever I went. Grocery store? JODPHURS! Doctor's office? YEP, BREECHES! School? I'LL INCLUDE A CROP WITH THE ENSEMBLE. Damn skippy.

Which reminds me, I saw how thin runners can get. I wonder if there's a way to get that toned and slender without actually, you know, running. Ugh.


Other points of relative interest:

* I made breakfast bars that are so high in fat and carbs that I'm surprised I didn't get arrested by the diet police. I'm taking them to work tomorrow. =D

* I started reading "A Walk in the Woods" by Bill Bryson. I LOVE IT. His style is fluid, funny, and familiar -- plus, I'm getting good info on how to deal with bears. o.O

* I think my house is haunted and I'm not kidding. No, seriously, I'm not kidding. I am hopeful nothing weird happens while the family is gone, but you totally know that's how scary movies work. :(

* I have five credits, so got "The Night Circus" and "Packing for Mars". I've read TNC before (one of my favorite books of all times!) and I'm OK with listening to non-fiction even if I haven't read it, so I'm set.

* I'm going to try and have the house cleaned and spotless and (mostly) decorated by the time the people come back. It's going to be a busy week -- we still struggle with places to put things (thus, sometimes it feels cluttered to me) and spotless in the mountains is virtually impossible. Is she up for the challenge? SHE IS! *fist pump*


OK, I need to go clean Sammy the Subaru out and get him ready for the week. Since it's a JUST ME commute for the week, I can stow the heated throws (seriously, we have them in the car), pillows (yep, for naps), and barf bucket (kid still gets barfy every now and then) for a few days. Woot. :)

sinnie: (Default)

Breakfast! Usually I cook my egg whites separately from the mushrooms, but today huger dictated a one-pan rush.
sinnie: (tikitiki)
* the mister and the little baked pumpkin pies today and they're beautiful. those pies are the extent of our traditional thanksgiving feast. we're having surf&turf, twice-baked potatoes, roasted asparagus, steamed broccoli, salad, and pie. so instead of spending all day cooking and prepping and all that other nonsense that i abhor, we're hanging out and doing stuff.

stuff includes: reading, writing, lego building, tidying up, not thinking about lesson planning and grading, movie watching, and fire stoking. later, "eating" will be added to the list. =D

* this morning we took a long walk up a long hill, then wandered into a mountainous trail. it was so lovely and so peaceful -- even with the roaming dogs and chattering child. there are things about being in the mountains that are inconvenient and challenging, but those things are astronomically outnumbered by the amazing experience we are having here.

i make it sound like we're in the very middle of a forest, but there are other cabins around -- and we do get more people up here during the holiday times. i find myself annoyed by them, but i get over it -- because in just a few days, the mountain will be mine again.

* last week i went back to the doctor/nutritionist to see what damage my lack of dedication to the "get my ass skinny and on a horse" cause was. i gained back 18 of my lost pounds (i guess they were just misplaced and i found them?), but i would bet anything that a lot of it is water retention. a few weeks of eating and expending energy like a human is supposed to should get me down around 10 pounds, then the next 8 will be a cake walk (cake!), and i can make some more progress toward The Goal. (I almost typed "the goat" which shows where my mind is at.)

i'm actually looking forward to getting rid of the trash that's been so easy to consume. screw you, simple carbs -- you're outta here (for the most part)! welcome back, complex body has missed you. =D this is one of my favorite times of year for fruit, so that sort of sucks, but there's plenty of good veggielove around, too.

we have not been eating out too much, but i'd like to cut it back even more: one never knows what hidden delights of fat and salt and sugar exist in one's favorite plate of whatevers from one's favorite dining out establishment. *shakes fist of doom at favorite dining out establishments*

the ONE thing i'm worried about is exercise. :( the drive down and up and all that make for gym time madness. i honestly can't go walking in the morning (bears...we have i say fuck you to getting up any earlier than i do, which is 4godawful30 in the morning...plusplus it's been icy!) and some days we're back when it's dark, so no walking then (did i mention bears? yeah. bears.). i have SOME plans that i'll be trying with the week after we get back from disneyland. it will involve walking more at school, 2 days a week at the gym, 2 days of hiking here, and daily stretching/yoga smooth moves.

if that doesn't work, i'll play with things and refine them until it DOES work.

i refuse to live my life not being able to do the things i want to do because of fitness levels.


(the up-side is that i don't want to do too many things that require weirdly abnormal fitness levels. no marathons, but maybe a 5K where i jog...1K of it. what? running blows! it's so hot and jarring and you get all chaffed.)

i've been talking a lot about what i want to remember when i'm on my death bed (this stems from people sticking their buttinski noses in other people's business at work and being all YOU ARE TAKING TIME OFF TO DO XXX??? all indignent like), and i want to remember my successes and my achievements of goals and all the joy i had in life buying sexy outfits with hoochie shoes riding my horse (while wearing jodhpurs that show off a nice ass...shallow, party of one, right here! but seriously, one should look good in jodhpurs, otherwise WHY BOTHER?) with my daughter.



i have a tremendously long list of things to be thankful for, and i truly am. i hope you all are able to count at least one more joy in your life than sorrow.


sinnie: (Default)
a few years ago, i bought a ceramic coffee tumbler (with lid) for the husband. it's black and grey, with the star wars empire symbol on the side. it's keeping my coffee hot surprisingly well -- i bet the rebel one wouldn't be near as good. =D yeah: we're an evil empire family.

except for the kid...she's totally rebel scum.

i'm pretty particular about a lot of things and i know this. i could reach the maximum allowable journal entry word limit and still not cover all of them, but i'll give you one: coffee cups.

when i'm at home, i will not drink coffee out of a cup that doesn't "fit my mood". i have around an even half dozen of mixy-not-matchy mugs in the following motifs: squirrel(!), horse, sheep, owl, artsy-fartsy, and cafe du monde. when we lived in town and had 3x the storage space, the number of mixy-not-matchy mood mugs was four times that. when i write (real write), i have an entire ritual of preparation that involves setting out the pens, getting the ink ready (JUST IN CASE), having paper towels handy (more on this later...maybe), neatly arranging the paper materials I'll need, and most importantly, getting the coffee ready and poured.

words will not come unless these things are as they should be; how can one be expected to create a universe when the current one is out of order?

i found a house in the area we're looking at that I AM IN LOVE WITH and the kitchen has a place one could put one's collection of fine mixy-not-matchy mugs if one was so inclined. sadly, this house is not for us: it's too big, no fenced areas for horses/critters, and too far in the back of the community and too far up the hill -- while we'll still have a long commute, it must be less than we are making now.

want to see my house that's not my house?

oh, well. the right one will happen and when it does, we should be in a position to snap it up. MINE!


we had a few big (to me they were big....shhhh) snows up here already, so i imagine the el nino is not a story used to scare small children. i've lived in CA my whole life (except for the few months in WI and MN, but those don't count, because i never really unpacked) and know our weather can be all sorts of crazy. i mean, we have "earthquake weather" and even if you don't believe that is a real thing, you believe. all the jokes people make about californians and rain? totally accurate; we understand the severity of .001 inches of rain and drive/react accordingly.

so me with the snow we've had and the amount of snow we'll probably get makes me sort of nervous and feeling like the voice of reason in the donner party. "maybe we shouldn't cross those mountains right now, you know?" and "i think we should rent another wagon and stop at costco, yo."

anyway, all that aside and moving on to the point i wanted to make, is that the air is dry. which makes no sense. snow is precipitation, right? precipitation is water. water is moisture. or something. anyway, the air being dry just doesn't make sense, especially since the snow we had is 99% melted and i have the mud outside the deck to prove it.

for the past three or four days, my nose has felt weird. really weird. like there are THINGS up in it that shouldn't be up there. o.O yesterday i got a bloody nose and this morning there was another one. MY NOSE PARTS ARE BROKEN!

i plugged in the humidifier and a steady stream of steam is flowing out, but i don't like the idea of continual steam because i'm certain that it's causing mold to grow even as i type this. so i'll have moldy bloody boogers by the end of the week. =( poor nose.

when we go to the city (haha) tomorrow, i'll pick up some saline nose misty stuff -- that should help, too.

country living isn't for sissies.


the drive to and from has gnawed into my reading time, something that bothers me tremendously. i do not ever want to be That Person who doesn't read, mostly because books and words are as part of my character and person as hair and toes and a fondness (hello, understatement) for chocolate. the kindle has saved me from no books, but i think i've stated before that i do not like reading all but the most brain-candy of books on it; anything substantial requires pages and covers and the feel of delicious paper beneath my fingers.

i'm reading a supernatural novel (like, based on the television series!) and just shake my head at myself because i actually enjoy it. it's as if it's a never before seen episode and because i'm so familiar with the characters and patterns of speech, it totally plays out in my mind like television. =D

we have NINE episodes of the new season to watch and i'm thinking we can get to some this week. hopefully. television is another thing that we don't do much of. with kid going to bed at 8 on weekdays and me going to bed around 9, there's just no time for inappropriate-for-9-year-olds (she's 9 now!) television.


speaking of shorty, she's had a few tumbles off of the horse and her confidence level has sort of plummeted. at one lesson, she fell off, the head trainer came over and REAMED kid's trainer, and so now everyone's trying to get their groove back.

last week, she had "confidence" lessons. she had to lay back while in the saddle, so her head was on his butt; she had to lean forward to touch his ears (horses hate that and move their heads...jerks); she had to twist and touch her right hand to her left toe. all these things leave her in a vulnerable position and force her to feel her body and his body and gain knowledge of the relationship between horse and rider.

this week, there are only two lessons and next week, she's missing the whole week due to ditching school and town in favor of disneyland.


anyway, horse still is wonderful even though he is a jerk. he loves peppermint and being told he's handsome. he's got gunga on his face (keratosis) and we need to get that under control, but i'm still in the research phase of that.


i'm hoping to get some writing done today, but if i don't, i'll just take a nap. my battery needs some love. *nod*

OK, time to walk the dogs and think about breakfast! Bye!
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